HOLY CRAP FAM

Ok so a lot has been going on and I need to write this down or I’m just gonna wallow in self pity. So I’m pretty sure I told you all about how my job may be closing down in August and the options I have are few to none job wise. I am the sole bread winner in my household and I have been really stupid about not saving money because I have been more or less living paycheck to paycheck.

NOW I have been streaming and after today’s stream later today I will be a twitch affiliate. It’s has been one of my goals to get here and I’m really excited about it. I’m also scared out of my mind – but that’s neither here or there. It is what it is and frankly I need to just shut up about it. NOW I know at this point I’m not gonna be a full time streamer, its something I do to have fun – as of late because of my home situation it has most definatly NOT been fun.

I feel like every day I am on the boarder line of a panic attack. Like full on just falling out, but I can’t because you know I have a kid and he doesn’t need to see his mother have a meltdown because he will have one as well.

I have gotten an offer of a place to sell my jewelry – pretty dam exciting but i’m feeling like i’m setting myself up to fail because I am 95% done with EVERYTHING I’m making. I’m so scared about it and its so not rational at all. BUT I can do it and I’m gonna do it. Which leads to other things I want to do craft wise – I feel like I can’t branch out just yet because I don’t have roots yet and its driving me in circles and crazy. MY BRAIN IS SETTING ME UP.

I’ve also gotten more into my spirituality or rather I have always been there but its getting a lot deeper now. Everything is pointing at success but I’m to scared to take the step. But I will be mad at myself if I don’t. It’s SOMETHING. Like HOLY FUCK (excuse the language of course).

So that’s whats going on – a lot of uncertainty and confusion and doubt. I hate this being scared of the future that I have little to no control over. I hate being this scared person who can do a lot if its pertaining to other people not so much for myself. I hate this life – but I’m living it and it is UGH.

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The World Is A Shit Show

So things have been going on as of late. So they may be closing my job down by the end of August. Which now there still has been no word if this will actually happen. so I’m trying to plan things accordingly.

Sometimes it feels like everything is going well but then things poop all over you. I have been striving for happiness. I have been feeling very positive and working to make myself a more whole and spiritual person. I spent a full day working on pieces that I hadn’t had time to do. I was and am feeling good.

Yesterday for no reason at all my shoulder started to hurt. It may be a pinched nerve or just a low ache. So I first thought maybe I was having a heart attack. Its something that apparently happens. I took an aspirin and  although the pain went away it still hurts. If that makes any sense at all – lol. Now I’m still aching, it still hurts and im thinking its because of the way I sit at the computer and the way I sit on the bed when I craft stuff. Add on the way I sleep, so many things it COULD be.

ORRRRRRRRRRRRR it could just be stress. The thing is this – sometimes we want to live our lives a certain way. Sometimes we want to put ourselves where we want to be – but we also cock block ourselves. We stop ourselves from growing, we lock ourselves into these places where we are trapped and can’t get out.

For the past few months I have been letting myself grow, I have been opening myself up for change because I knew it had to happen. BUT when we open ourselves to change the Universe is gonna change us. Sometimes in big ways sometimes in small – but its gonna happen.

So changes are happening and I’m in this wave of events. I’m not going with sink or swim any more – im going with high and dry.

Hey

I have been working on a lot of other things. I stopped streaming for 2 months because I was feeling discouraged – not by streaming but by my computer which was being a turd. I am also very physically tired.

A lot of things I have no control over have been happening and I’m dealing. Not gonna go into details but it is what it is. I have had a lot of positive stuff happen and some not so positive. Such is life right?

I’m trying my hand at focusing more I think I can do it.

Whelp that’s whats going down. Thank you for keeping up with me on this whatever it is im on right now lol

LOVE YOU ALL…..

p.s. gonna try for once a week posting I think that will work better for me ^_^

Oh Hello Again

Yup it’s me – you know its me cause your following this blog…of mine….derp. Well life has been a journey of adulting. Working, dealing with snow, helping the Boy. He is in a special education program and he is being moved to the regular class next year. So what has been happening is he has been going into the bigger class for a couple of hours. He is ahead of his peers in math and he HATES to write. I mean he will do it, he just hates it. So I have been trying to help him foster that side of himself. I’m thinking of trying a voice to text program for him – not sure yet.

I have been playing ESO – I did the recent event. But a lot of my time has been helping a friend get his guild hall together. I don’t mind, but it’s a grind. I’ve also decided I want to actually finish dungeons with my main toon. So I’ve been doing those as well. I have the Hunters Glade house and have done nothing with it as of yet – still looking for Murkmire platforms and ramps. I had a realization the other day that I was actually soloing things with her – which is AMAZING.

This is my blog – there are many like it but this one is mine. There are other things I want to write about but not sure if I should put it all in one place.

Am I to Old to Be Cute?

I know you are wondering – what is she talking about now? Of course you can’t be to old to be cute – but hear me out cause I’m being specific about somethings. It took me a long time to write this post, frankly because I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to write it at all. If you’ve been reading the blog I have of course given out fun facts about me and my life. Pretty much how I more or less view myself depending on the mood by brain is in at that time. 

Now I am 42 years old – not a spring chicken in any stretch of the imagination. As for my looks I can go either way – I think I’m rather plain looking, but i have a good personality so there is that. Growing up my Grandmother instilled in me that looks aren’t all that important – while also saying they are. One should be clean and smile and be pleasant in personality. Clothing should fit well, hair brushed and if one were to wear makeup nothing overly dramatic. All good solid advice for sure. My aunts of course were DIVA STARS, the loved dressing up, wearing makeup and didn’t think twice about wearing wigs of various colors and lengths. I spent a good amount of time helping them to get ready for dates and parties and enjoyed it very much. I have an eye for coordinating things in a way that looked good and after dressing them would have impromptu photo shoots. They OF COURSE wanted the same for me to some degree – often trying to get me to do the same as them. I had my moments – my hair has been a variety of different colors and shaving my head was never a problem. Now though when i look at myself in the mirror I have times when I want to express myself more. I am IN LOVE with cute fashion. Quirky fashion. Cultural fashion. I like the combinations and the mix of colors or lack of colors, in a way this is all mixed up with these “personalities” I have. Not like multi-personality disorder, that is a serious thing and should not be taken lightly. 

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I know because of how I was raised I have a lot of disassociation. There us a part of me that will stay within these lines, but another part of me that doesn’t. It’s a bit crazy – I like wearing bows to work and fun colors. I make earrings and things like that but don’t wear them as they were considered “flashy” when I was growing up. I can apply makeup in a pleasant way that looks very natural.

What does this have to do with being cute? I have so many parts of my personality that I want to express, but don’t. I don’t know how to really be this carefree person I want to be. I don’t know how to convince myself that its OK. There isn’t anyone who’s permission I can ask – if that makes sense. It has been making me feel bad for a while now. Manly because I feel as if I’m doing people who are my “friends” a disservice. HOW can they be friends with someone who is so complicated? Which is selfish to say as ALL people are complicated. I think it’s because I don’t really know anyone I can be 100% myself with, not even myself. 

Add onto that I’m not sure how to make friends with people who share the same sort of mixed up interests. I don’t go out anywhere  – mainly because I have this feeling of guilt when it comes to ME instead of focusing on helping my kids. Which in itself is messed up because how can I expect well adjusted children if I can’t be happy with myself – which is deeper level weird as I don’t want to be fake to them. It’s a vicious circle and I’m getting tired of it now.

I know you can’t depend on others for your happiness/contentment. That you should look into yourself to be strong and be the person you want to be. I’m just having a hard time with it and have been for a while. In the end its not doing anything but making me feel sad and I don’t want to be sad anymore. Yesterday after I got home from work, made sure Victor was all together I went to sleep – at 7:30 pm. I woke up at 6 am this morning. Which is fine since he goes to bed at the same time. I didn’t feel any better, I’m drained most of the time now. There are some projects I want to do but haven’t even started yet. But whatever now i feel more sad so ‘m going to just end this here.

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Update to Life

HEYYYYYYYYYYYYY everyone – so once again I see I haven’t been writing much – BUT it is OK I’m at peace with it. There is an actual reason for it this time. I have been busyish? Work has been all over the place, holidays have come and gone and life continues on. OK maybe not holidays over with there still is Xmas or whatever you celebrate so that’s ok too.

DID I mention I was playing this? Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t.

SO I have been streaming – not as much as I would like or as often, but I really have been. It is mostly Maple Story 2 and ONE Elder Scrolls Online. I’m trying to get a schedule together. In the short amount of time I have been doing it I have like 17 followers. It really is exciting times….https://www.twitch.tv/sunnybunny251

I’m having a little issue with the audio, it just doesn’t capture well. I think I may have to turn up the volume from the headset – but that makes it to loud for me to hear. For some reason I also can’t seem to hear the music in the game – not sure why that is.

I have also been looking into other games – One of them is Dying Light 2 (link to a video: https://youtu.be/KRScQU_bS1s ) I didn’t play the first one but have always been interested in it. I may have to get the first one to do the things with and when the second one comes out I can enjoy that. It’s only like $20 on humble bundle right now.

Another I have my eye on is Slime Rancher (link to video: https://youtu.be/oOL-dsa79Xs)

It seems like another of those really cute games that I would enjoy. OK tats it for now – talk later.

*disclaimer* I actually wanted to write more but this new WordPress setup is a pain in the ass and I don’t like it. Im not in the mood to be annoyed since I still have 4 hours of work and i don’t want my annoyance lvl to go any higher then it is.

What’s Been Going On

I have been busy and i sort of like it and don’t like it at the same time. The change to my work hours has been going on for about 2 weeks now and it’s the oddest thing. I mean not so much in a bad way – but just weird.

Leaving work at 3 pm I walk down the street and look at the trees and the way the light is and the hum of the street. It’s pleasant  and I don’t feel rushed. Of course the down side is my body adjusting to the change – I get up early, which any adult with a child will do anyway. I used to not have to be in until 2 pm on Mondays and Thursday, but now I just open at the same time. And boy oh boy has it been messing with me. I am so tired by the time I leave work I crash as soon as I get home. Don’t get me wrong I was doing that before, but it’s just like pure knock out now. I wake up usually an hour later – which is weird cause you know its only like 4 or 5 pm. So I have actual left over time to do the things. Sadly I’m not inspired to do much till later on.

I did hit one goal of starting to stream my game play on Twitch – it’s Maple Story 2 so it’s just me learning how to play the game. I am having fun with it, I have 7 followers (woot woo). It’s been fun and I know I will add more games later on.

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https://twitch.tv/sunnybunny251

It’s been work, but I don’t care I’m enjoying it. Of course there are down sides – I don’t have an actual chair at my computer desk at home – it is literally a box with a cushion on it. I now have this pain in my rear from sitting there for so long. I think I have another one I can put on it to make it a bit more comfy but who knows at this point. I also am having this random eye and head pain – I know it’s from looking at the screen for so long. So I’ve been looking into getting a pair of those glasses that filter out the blue light.

Let me tell you trying to order glasses online is a THING.  There are all types of measurements and lens and stuff.(I mean duh of course right?) It’s been interesting, I learned I need my glasses to be at least 137mm (5.39in) or it will look like i’m wearing kiddie glasses. My PD is 70mm – a PD is Pupil Distance. Like from one pupil to the other, this helps to make sure the lens are sitting in the right spot.

There are a CRAZY amount of places to get these glasses and I have been reading reviews most of the morning. There are a lot of different types and prices. I noticed the way cheaper ones are not big enough for me to wear without looking like a weirdo and not in a good way. SO it looks like it will be one more thing on my list of things, but I do have a few I really like:

these have a pretty blue color and are made by Spektrum and are the Prospek-50 in Granite. Price is 49.95 before shipping and tax.

I found these for cheaper by a company named Siphew. I think I might go with these for now, but not so sure about the actual shape of the glasses.

Now THESE I really like they hit about the mid price range and the style looks really super cute and not usual to what I have been seeing. The few reviews I’ve seen are on the positive side. The product name is Yizmo and they are made with Bamboo. The weird thing with these is there is no information about the company that I can find. I’m thinking they are a part of a bigger company (Like Gunner or something like that).

Another small goal for the week is figuring out how to get the twitch videos onto YouTube – nothing big, but still a thing…OK talk to you all later ^_^