My End Of An Era

So as everyone knows I am a HUGH Elder Scrolls Online fan and have been playing it since beta. It is a world one can get lost in and discover new things. Recently (the past 2 months or so now) I have been playing it less and less. I log in every couple of days to do my crafting writes and honestly that’s about all I do. I bounce mail off other players so it won’t be deleted. But the lure of it has become less and less. With the ESO plus I am able to have a lot of perks that none sub players don’t have. Access to content etc. etc. so last night I let my sub laps. That’s right I didn’t pay for this month and I’m not sure how I feel about it to be honest.

I want to say I was upset but to be factual I really wasn’t – I have gone back to Guild Wars 2 and I don’t want to say I’m loving it but I’m doing the things. There are so many things I’m still figuring out and discovering about the game. I’m unlocking content and it has been interesting to say the least. In some ways it is a grind but the option to sort of just go out and do stuff or follow the main quest line is a seller for me. Don’t get me wrong Elder Scrolls is the same but in a different way. It might have to do with the fact that my gaming buddy is also playing the game and he dragged me back into it. (GW2 that is). He of course has so much more time to dedicate to it then I do.

Maybe I’m just getting old and loosing interest in a lot of things. I still have the Fall Out Games which I dabble in every once i a while but it’s not so much fun to play those games alone you know? I might have to figure it out as I go like I usually do. But if you see me running around either world – just give a quick wave and let an old lady know she’s still noticed ^_^

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FREE COFFEE DAY

So I just wanted to start off with an FYI – it is buy one get one free at Dunkin Donuts. I found this happy joy moment out at 6:45am when I went for my fix before work.

SO whats been going down? Most recent I got sick, some dang virus from my child who got it from school. Coughing and spent my 2 days off sleeping most of the day and highly drugged. I regret nothing of course, although I am still dragging ass a bit.

We have an out break of fucking bedbugs in my apartment building. Let me tell you its the MOST annoying thing ever. This is the forth time this has happened. I bought a hand held steamer to help with the problem, best $100 I ever spent. It sucks because I have to steam everyday, the mattresses and the carpet. Then pour rubbing alcohol all around the seams of the mattress and the crease where the carpet meets the wall. I have 2 mattress protectors on the mattress so that’s good. The land lord is cheap and doesn’t want to spend the money for the best service. So Wednesday they sent someone after I threatened to call the health department again. The guy sprayed and it was good for all of ONE DAY then they were back again.

My arms are covered with bites and no matter how much people tell you otherwise the bites fucking hurt and itch, they wake up my son and I. I have nearly NO furniture in my apartment because everything has been infested at this point. I want to move but of course I can’t right now because of budget. So I suffer on. I have all things packed in plastic bags – why bags you say? Simple when I tried to put things in boxes the fucking things would get into them. I’ve had to throw away a bunch of my books simply because they are covered in the eggs and poop of these litter fuckers.

I bought some tupboxes which seem to help keep the clothing clean and bug free. It’s still annoying as fuck. I need to get some more on friday when I get paid. So I’ll just be living in a storage unit now *shrug* But besides that you know life goes on….

Yeah Not Even Close

So it’s the 29th as two more months till the end of Blaugust – and I failed. Mainly because of my Grandmother passing away, I’ve been feeling like nothing and everything. I spent a good amount of time just working and vegging out.

The last few days I have been a lot more active I think. I’m looking to make some life changes which is always good. So last night I went to Walmart to buy some school supplies for the boy; It was a decent time. I decided to buy a new shower curtain and felt like an adult. I know it sounds weird to equate a shower curtain with adulting but it felt good (I also got a tooth brush holder).

I’ve been spending a LOT of time writing – it’s like this flood gate has opened and I’m jumping on it. I’m determined to become the person I WANT to be.

REALLY?

I was sort of stuck on what to title this post and I have to say REALLY? sums it up. Due to the family things i’ve been dealing with and the 100% death of my tablet I have rotated my entertainment life. I have am Amazon kindle fire 7 from like 2014. It has the amazing packing tape screen (dropped once to much) – BUT I can still use it to read books and play really simple games.

So something I had been meaning to do and putting off, was to get through my Amazon reading list. One of the things I kinda like about Amazon is you can self publish – you get a decent percentage off book sales – even if the book is listed as free you get something. The down side is you kinda start collecting free books after a while lol.

A few years back I started downloading free books – why not right? It was nice to have the classics and cook books. They also have free comics which is always a plus as far as i’m concerned. I read a bunch of new things too, and on very rare occasions I actually would buy the next book in the series. (That’s how you know I like it if i pay for it). As of today looking at my list I own 672 books; I have read about 100 of them. Some of them have been really good – and others not so much. I try and remember to leave a review for each one I finish, unless i really didn’t like it. You know the saying – you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say it at all.

Most of the stories are LitRPG, Fantasy, Space Opera, Alternate History, Supernatural,  etc, etc… the reason I read these the most is because it is also the genre I write in. I am also very, very guilty of reading “trashy” books. We called them bodice rippers when I was a kid. That book that was on the VERY top shelf of the book case in your house. They cost something like $1….the ones with Fabio on the cover. You know the ones. *wink,wink*

So now they are called Erotic “insert your own thing here”, no pun intended. They have like 3 covers – the cheerful perky one, the dark one and the ones with the “perfect” body image on the cover. And they all kinda read the same as well:

Poor girl meets rich guy who whisks her away to a dream life all while spanking her.

Sad unloved girl meets alpha “insert wereanimal”

Woman get seduced by boss and have kinky office fling

EVERYONE confuses sex with love

100 shades of NOPE

Yes, yes I know it’s fantasy and i’m not gonna lie these writers sell a good amount of book – but COME ONNNNN. So I went in search of variety. Mainly because of something I’ve been working on. Let me tell you it was NOT much better.

Main character is a big woman – instantly she is frumpy

Main character is a minority – instantly thug boyfriend, 5 baby daddies, drug addict, falls for drug dealer.

This weird mafia lover thing that I can’t even explain.

Main character gay – I can’t even describe the types of wrong.

Why is this an issue for me – if I don’t like it then don’t read it. YEAH I hear you..100% BUT I am reading it to know exactly what NOT to do.  I think I sometimes feel bad because I can SEE the story, you know? Like I understand where they were trying to go but getting there was a lot. Or the ending just sort of fizzled out – like they just wanted to be done with it and i get that. I can be the same way when writing things. One shot stories – like JUST this scene and that’s it. Which is valid and you CAN do that you just gotta know THAT’S what you’re doing.

It also gives me hope, hope that so many writers are trying to live their dreams. That someone out there is writing every single fantasy they have ever had and publishing it. That stuff that would IN NO WAY actually be published but is getting out there and hopefully inspiring others to write.

OK thats my rant and i’m done…LOVE YOUR FACES

 

 

 

 

A Time of Grieving

My Grandmother passed away last week and I’m still pretty weird about it. Not so much sad, as sort of floating in limbo. She was 97 years old – a very long time to be alive. She was not always the easiest person to get along with. In truth she seemed to enjoy pitting family members against each other. don’t get me wrong I kinda understand – she enjoyed being in the middle of things.

The down side being she couldn’t really be close to people. When MY parents passed when I was 5 she took in my brother and I. She was already in her 60’s, she didnt have to but she did. My life with her was good enough – we got along pretty well. We didn’t talk often but when we did we laughed.

She also always gave me the weirdest advice.

Don’t let a man buy you icecream all he’ll think about is sex.

Always make sure you have $20 in your shoe in case of emergencies.

If you spend $600 on a pair of shoes the food you put in your mouth better be good.

Things like that. She didn’t tell me she loved me till I was 18 years old, but she explained that love was making sure you were fed and had a roof over your head.

I loved my Grandmother – she was the last tie I had to the town I grew up in, that i STILL live in. Now she’s gone and I think it’s time for me to move on. It’s a big decision for me and I’m scared out of my mind. BUT maybe things can now get better.

In Loving Memory

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Grandma and Max

My Grandmother Martha Harris passed away on Wednesday August 7th. She was 97 years old. It has been tiring dealing with it. No not dealing with it but dealing with my family.

When I got divorced 13 years ago I moved back home with her. She didn’t judge me about it – just opened her door and let me and my then 10 yo son move back in. My Grandmother and I had always been close. She raised me when my mother passed away when I was 5. We knew each other well, agreed on a lot,  and had learned how to orbit each other.

My sister and I were lucky in that we got to see her before she passed. I did what I usually did – I made jokes. I couldn’t tell if she could hear me or not. I said I knew she didn’t want all these people hovering over her. That her comforter was ugly (something we always shared was our love for interior design). Mainly I cried – I cried a lot. The woman in the bed was not my Grandmother. In the movies and TV they show images of people passing in the hospital. Laying calm and collected – that is NOT how it actually is most of the time. She was still for a bit, then she moved around a lot, then still again. I wanted to stay for as long as I could – but I knew I couldn’t. There was other family coming and to be honest I didn’t want to have to see them.

No one family is perfect – not ONE. Life has 3 sides – your side, their side and the truth. The truth from my perspective is that most of my family does not like the other side of my family. They don’t even pretend – they sincerely hate each other. There are the aunts and uncles (there are 13 of them) and they have kids and so on and so forth. A lot of the cousins as we call ourselves have absorbed the animosity from their parents. It’s sad but true. I am an anomaly, mainly because my parents died when I was young. Then being raised by Grandma I had bits and pieces of everyone and everything. It felt like having to many mothers and fathers sometimes. Until I hit about 12 and then it was no one and nothing. Or rather the put downs and feeling like a black sheep.

BUT I digress – my Grandmother is gone and i’m gonna miss her. She made me promise to not write anything about her and the family until after she died.

How to ask?

I’m writing this because of something that has happened. So I have a Samsung tablet that is a “new to me” type situation. I HATED it for a long time. It doesn’t get wifi in my house in some spots. It takes forever to charge, but it was free so I didn’t complain about it. It was already 5 years old when I got it and that was 3 years ago.

Last night it flickered, flickered and died. It charged 100%, it just doesn’t work any more. That makes me sad as I had some things on there I wanted to keep. Thank goodness my pictures are in the cloud, So I don’t have to worry about that.

I was talking to a friend about it and they told me I should just buy a new one. I’m like UH I don’t have a budget for that. I am the main bread winner in my family. My son will be starting back to school soon so everything not in bills and rent is held for back to school supplies and clothing.

I do own a Fire tablet (more then 5 years old) – the screen is cracked so it has packing tape on it. I also have an ipad that is about 8 years old (also has the packing tape screen). Both were new to me items handed down from my sister. So I mean ok. I have a desk top at home – something I am crazy proud of as I built it from scratch about 4 years ago. It’s still working like a charm.

BUT the tablet I need for day to day things. Communication, emails, reading, writing, note taking, photo editing. Just tons of things. Now I have been doing some thinking about it – so unless someone wants to GIVE me an old device they don’t use any more. ‘m gonna have to figure something out.

A suggestion a co-worker gave was maybe start a donation thing. So I do have that on my Twitch page so I can get bits – but I don’t have like a donation page. It started me to thinking…WHY would anyone WANT to donate money to me? I mean my blogging is ok. My Twitch game play is ok. What other services could I provide? I do have stories I write and jewelry pieces I make. Which could be potential for a bit of extra money.

I don’t want to be one of those people that complains a lot about things. My financial situation is MY situation. There are people out there who have medical bills they need to pay, medications they need to buy, food they need to provide. I get it and it sometimes makes me feel guilty that I WANT things.

I have to say yes, I am thankful – I don’t own a car as everything is in walking distance to where I live. I don’t have credit card debt for the reason that I DON’T use the card for anything I can’t pay off right then and there. I rent and pay utilities – as is life sometimes. I pay for my own health insurance and it’s high, but in the long run has been a good investment. Health wise I take precautions for both my son and I to keep us in fairly decent health. I don’t have big overhead, I am frugal for sure. Thinking about this is actually making me sad. I realize I actually don’t do the luxury living things. I haven’t taken a day off from work in 15 years. I haven’t bought new clothing for myself in like 6 years. I don’t even own a cellphone and haven’t for almost 9 years. Building the computer was the biggest luxury item I bought 3 years ago. Tax returns are used for bills, groceries and new things for my growing son (cause kids grow). Which is not anyone’s fault; I made the choice to have kids so I have to provide.

Anyway – I’m going off on a tangent….so I made a link to my PayPal.  

I’m not sure how well it’s gonna go, but I figured I would give it a try…I think I’m gonna set a goal of $500. That way I could get the tablet, case, maybe pen (?)…well enough of my ramble. you all have a GREAT day.