So I put a little thought into what this would be and it hit me. My A word is admitting. So I’m letting you guys in so you can know a personal truth about me (saw what I did there? – zing)
The truth is I feel like a fraud a large amount of the time. Let me explain, a few weeks ago I was talking to a dear friend of mine who is also a writer – they were not feeling up to par with their skills. I told them that was silly, that their writing was actually amazing and it would be sad if they stopped. That were all pretty much monkeys banging a type writer waiting for War and Peace.
When I was very much a little bunny all I wanted to do was write and I did. Every day – some of it good lots of it crap. At 11 I entered a poetry contest and won, getting to read my poem in front of an assembly. It was very scary – I don’t have a copy of that poem any more. Wish I could find it though.
Then hits the teen years, my writing got darker, my poetry took a REALLY weird bend. But its fine we all go through that. But STILL I wrote everyday. I had a lot inside that I needed to get out.
After 18 it seemed to not happen as much, I focused on other things – not just boys mind you but other STUFF. I started painting (I have since stopped that) I also do beading and other such things.
I notice that I am more often looking into myself and trying to figure out what is going on with me. I still read a ton but not writing as much. I jot things down and get about 1,000 words into it – then blank. So I find myself gazing into space trying to figure out WHAT I was trying to write. So I did what I often do and changed mediums – I try a few lines of poetry or do some bead work or read or get sucked into Pinterest.
Recently, I have been looking into Roleplaying – not in the naughty way (lol) but online. Which still sounds bad – ok I play both Elder Scrolls online and GW2 (I’ve mentioned both before). My computer has since died and I’m building a new one. Now THAT’S something I should write about, anyway I’m still waiting for one part to arrive so I haven’t been able to play ESO and it’s KILLING me. It’s like an addiction and I’ve gone cold turkey. I still interact with some of my game friends through Discord (hmm maybe that’s my D word – lol) but I have been hesitant to really get into it as I don’t know really how. I haven’t done it for a long time now, but another reason is because my characters back stories aren’t finished. As they were more or less growing through game play – or rather the idea of their back stories.
So that has stalled – and I’m finding myself getting more mad and more depressed about it. The worst is I can’t really explain how I feel because I don’t honestly know. I want to do these things and I want to get them out but it seems like I’m falling into bad habits.
Then comes the bad part – I only get so many hours in a day. My mornings are getting my son and I ready to go out, him to school and me to work. Then I’m at work and it’s 8 hrs of…well work. Sometimes my mind can wander but not often. I get out of work and ave maybe 10 minutes then I have to get him off the school bus. Which starts the after work Mom mode. Homework, inter-action, trying to get him to read to me, not being stuck in front of the tv or computer. All of these things easy to get sucked into.
When the weekends come I work on Sundays – so Saturday is my only day. I get up at 7 am and usually do laundry, walk the dog than veg for the rest of the day. I’m not enjoying my life right now. That is something I can admit 100%.