A large part of my childhood was spent alone – not that I didn’t have family I just didn’t really socialize too much with them. This was mainly I believe due to the fact that my parents passed away when I was very young. My Grandmother raised my brother and I and she was already pretty old by the time we started living with her. She had already had 13 of her own children (yeah BIG family – lol).

Interactions with my family were in some ways good and sometimes not so much – but of course anyone can say that. I spent a lot of time alone, I didn’t know how to relate to children my own age – I had an “Old” mindset. I also would often go with my Grandmother to work. She was a house keeper so I was exposed to people who were in a way higher payment bracket than I was. A lot of time was spent in my head trying to just be happy or as close as I could get.

A lesson I learned very early on was the art of the pleasant face. I would often smile and be outgoing because that was what was expected of me. I was of service. Of course when no one was looking I was very inquisitive and noisy always poking into corners and finding things out.

Was it the best probably not, I also found out I was a very lonely child. As much as I loved my cousins they weren’t my brothers and sisters. They had their own family unit and i was just tolerated. Of course that may not have been 100% true but it sure did feel like it. So i just tried to be myself – I went through phases. Goth, punk,metal, rap – I was never one to cause any serious waves but I was trying hard to figure out who I was as a person. I have to say my sister was a big help. She would often let me spend weekends at her house to sort of get away.

My sister is an artist and always has been and a lot of her friends were the same. They didn’t judge me, they showed me a lot of things I might not have ever really seen otherwise. I learned about comics and music and dozens of other things. Later on I met my ex husband, he showed me all types of places in the city – somewhere I think I was afraid to go on my own. He gave me the freedom to be my weird self and try new things.

What does this mean? It means I am in a bubble and not in a bubble. There is a certain way I would like to see myself as, but most like never really be. There are things I am interested in, but now I often feel I am to old and missed the window for when that would be ok.

I don’t have a lot of physical in person friends because frankly I don’t really know how to keep them. I spend a LOT of my time at home and don’t really go out. When it gets to the point when someone COULD be my friend I seem to fall off the wagon – no contact and when I finally do its like nothing has happened on my end even if its been like years. Of course I think people understand this but I still feel sort of guilty about it.



2 thoughts on “Growing

  1. Arthifis

    I can relate to what you just write. I’ve also spent my share of time alone. Although my parents were alive, sadly I’ve lost my father in my teenage years, they ran a restaurant and therefore they spent too little time at home (especially on the weekends).

    I do have a brother who was a lot present, but, he is 8-9 years older than me, which means when I was 10 he was already leaving for college.

    I don’t really think that was a problem for me though. In fact, in the days that we live in, is a good thing to be ok with being alone. Especially if you live in a big city, most of your time will be spent alone. That made me not to feel so sad when I was on my own in my later years.

    Nowadays, since I’m living with my boyfriend and my mom does not own the restaurant anymore, I just end up not spending almost no time alone LOL but, as you, I always have difficulty to maintain friendships I do. The moment we part ways, I always end up stop talking to them. It’s not I don’t like them, it’s just that I feel I don’t really have the need to reach out to them since I’m used to and even like (to a certain extent) to be alone.

    Great personal post 🙂



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