A large part of my childhood was spent alone – not that I didn’t have family I just didn’t really socialize too much with them. This was mainly I believe due to the fact that my parents passed away when I was very young. My Grandmother raised my brother and I and she was already pretty old by the time we started living with her. She had already had 13 of her own children (yeah BIG family – lol).
Interactions with my family were in some ways good and sometimes not so much – but of course anyone can say that. I spent a lot of time alone, I didn’t know how to relate to children my own age – I had an “Old” mindset. I also would often go with my Grandmother to work. She was a house keeper so I was exposed to people who were in a way higher payment bracket than I was. A lot of time was spent in my head trying to just be happy or as close as I could get.
A lesson I learned very early on was the art of the pleasant face. I would often smile and be outgoing because that was what was expected of me. I was of service. Of course when no one was looking I was very inquisitive and noisy always poking into corners and finding things out.
Was it the best probably not, I also found out I was a very lonely child. As much as I loved my cousins they weren’t my brothers and sisters. They had their own family unit and i was just tolerated. Of course that may not have been 100% true but it sure did feel like it. So i just tried to be myself – I went through phases. Goth, punk,metal, rap – I was never one to cause any serious waves but I was trying hard to figure out who I was as a person. I have to say my sister was a big help. She would often let me spend weekends at her house to sort of get away.
My sister is an artist and always has been and a lot of her friends were the same. They didn’t judge me, they showed me a lot of things I might not have ever really seen otherwise. I learned about comics and music and dozens of other things. Later on I met my ex husband, he showed me all types of places in the city – somewhere I think I was afraid to go on my own. He gave me the freedom to be my weird self and try new things.
What does this mean? It means I am in a bubble and not in a bubble. There is a certain way I would like to see myself as, but most like never really be. There are things I am interested in, but now I often feel I am to old and missed the window for when that would be ok.
I don’t have a lot of physical in person friends because frankly I don’t really know how to keep them. I spend a LOT of my time at home and don’t really go out. When it gets to the point when someone COULD be my friend I seem to fall off the wagon – no contact and when I finally do its like nothing has happened on my end even if its been like years. Of course I think people understand this but I still feel sort of guilty about it.