Monthly Archives: April 2019

HOLY CRAP FAM

Ok so a lot has been going on and I need to write this down or I’m just gonna wallow in self pity. So I’m pretty sure I told you all about how my job may be closing down in August and the options I have are few to none job wise. I am the sole bread winner in my household and I have been really stupid about not saving money because I have been more or less living paycheck to paycheck.

NOW I have been streaming and after today’s stream later today I will be a twitch affiliate. It’s has been one of my goals to get here and I’m really excited about it. I’m also scared out of my mind – but that’s neither here or there. It is what it is and frankly I need to just shut up about it. NOW I know at this point I’m not gonna be a full time streamer, its something I do to have fun – as of late because of my home situation it has most definatly NOT been fun.

I feel like every day I am on the boarder line of a panic attack. Like full on just falling out, but I can’t because you know I have a kid and he doesn’t need to see his mother have a meltdown because he will have one as well.

I have gotten an offer of a place to sell my jewelry – pretty dam exciting but i’m feeling like i’m setting myself up to fail because I am 95% done with EVERYTHING I’m making. I’m so scared about it and its so not rational at all. BUT I can do it and I’m gonna do it. Which leads to other things I want to do craft wise – I feel like I can’t branch out just yet because I don’t have roots yet and its driving me in circles and crazy. MY BRAIN IS SETTING ME UP.

I’ve also gotten more into my spirituality or rather I have always been there but its getting a lot deeper now. Everything is pointing at success but I’m to scared to take the step. But I will be mad at myself if I don’t. It’s SOMETHING. Like HOLY FUCK (excuse the language of course).

So that’s whats going on – a lot of uncertainty and confusion and doubt. I hate this being scared of the future that I have little to no control over. I hate being this scared person who can do a lot if its pertaining to other people not so much for myself. I hate this life – but I’m living it and it is UGH.

Advertisements

The World Is A Shit Show

So things have been going on as of late. So they may be closing my job down by the end of August. Which now there still has been no word if this will actually happen. so I’m trying to plan things accordingly.

Sometimes it feels like everything is going well but then things poop all over you. I have been striving for happiness. I have been feeling very positive and working to make myself a more whole and spiritual person. I spent a full day working on pieces that I hadn’t had time to do. I was and am feeling good.

Yesterday for no reason at all my shoulder started to hurt. It may be a pinched nerve or just a low ache. So I first thought maybe I was having a heart attack. Its something that apparently happens. I took an aspirin and  although the pain went away it still hurts. If that makes any sense at all – lol. Now I’m still aching, it still hurts and im thinking its because of the way I sit at the computer and the way I sit on the bed when I craft stuff. Add on the way I sleep, so many things it COULD be.

ORRRRRRRRRRRRR it could just be stress. The thing is this – sometimes we want to live our lives a certain way. Sometimes we want to put ourselves where we want to be – but we also cock block ourselves. We stop ourselves from growing, we lock ourselves into these places where we are trapped and can’t get out.

For the past few months I have been letting myself grow, I have been opening myself up for change because I knew it had to happen. BUT when we open ourselves to change the Universe is gonna change us. Sometimes in big ways sometimes in small – but its gonna happen.

So changes are happening and I’m in this wave of events. I’m not going with sink or swim any more – im going with high and dry.