Category Archives: trying

Am I to Old to Be Cute?

I know you are wondering – what is she talking about now? Of course you can’t be to old to be cute – but hear me out cause I’m being specific about somethings. It took me a long time to write this post, frankly because I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to write it at all. If you’ve been reading the blog I have of course given out fun facts about me and my life. Pretty much how I more or less view myself depending on the mood by brain is in at that time. 

Now I am 42 years old – not a spring chicken in any stretch of the imagination. As for my looks I can go either way – I think I’m rather plain looking, but i have a good personality so there is that. Growing up my Grandmother instilled in me that looks aren’t all that important – while also saying they are. One should be clean and smile and be pleasant in personality. Clothing should fit well, hair brushed and if one were to wear makeup nothing overly dramatic. All good solid advice for sure. My aunts of course were DIVA STARS, the loved dressing up, wearing makeup and didn’t think twice about wearing wigs of various colors and lengths. I spent a good amount of time helping them to get ready for dates and parties and enjoyed it very much. I have an eye for coordinating things in a way that looked good and after dressing them would have impromptu photo shoots. They OF COURSE wanted the same for me to some degree – often trying to get me to do the same as them. I had my moments – my hair has been a variety of different colors and shaving my head was never a problem. Now though when i look at myself in the mirror I have times when I want to express myself more. I am IN LOVE with cute fashion. Quirky fashion. Cultural fashion. I like the combinations and the mix of colors or lack of colors, in a way this is all mixed up with these “personalities” I have. Not like multi-personality disorder, that is a serious thing and should not be taken lightly. 

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I know because of how I was raised I have a lot of disassociation. There us a part of me that will stay within these lines, but another part of me that doesn’t. It’s a bit crazy – I like wearing bows to work and fun colors. I make earrings and things like that but don’t wear them as they were considered “flashy” when I was growing up. I can apply makeup in a pleasant way that looks very natural.

What does this have to do with being cute? I have so many parts of my personality that I want to express, but don’t. I don’t know how to really be this carefree person I want to be. I don’t know how to convince myself that its OK. There isn’t anyone who’s permission I can ask – if that makes sense. It has been making me feel bad for a while now. Manly because I feel as if I’m doing people who are my “friends” a disservice. HOW can they be friends with someone who is so complicated? Which is selfish to say as ALL people are complicated. I think it’s because I don’t really know anyone I can be 100% myself with, not even myself. 

Add onto that I’m not sure how to make friends with people who share the same sort of mixed up interests. I don’t go out anywhere  – mainly because I have this feeling of guilt when it comes to ME instead of focusing on helping my kids. Which in itself is messed up because how can I expect well adjusted children if I can’t be happy with myself – which is deeper level weird as I don’t want to be fake to them. It’s a vicious circle and I’m getting tired of it now.

I know you can’t depend on others for your happiness/contentment. That you should look into yourself to be strong and be the person you want to be. I’m just having a hard time with it and have been for a while. In the end its not doing anything but making me feel sad and I don’t want to be sad anymore. Yesterday after I got home from work, made sure Victor was all together I went to sleep – at 7:30 pm. I woke up at 6 am this morning. Which is fine since he goes to bed at the same time. I didn’t feel any better, I’m drained most of the time now. There are some projects I want to do but haven’t even started yet. But whatever now i feel more sad so ‘m going to just end this here.

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What’s Going Down In This Town?

Hey everyone, so things have been super super busy. Two girls left my job – which is fine they are on to bigger and better things I guess. So the other receptionist and I had to sort of pull it together. Which meant a crazy amount of hours. The last 3 weeks I have averaged over  50 something hours per week. They did finally hire someone – but I had to train him. Also fine no problem just means more hours of working. Last week was supposed to be when he started on his own and I was excited for it. Mainly because it means  I would be getting out of work at 3 pm instead of 6:30 pm. Also because Halloween is coming up and I would ACTUALLY have time to finish costumes this year in a timely manor.

Sadly the Saturday he was supposed to start he had a seizure on the train – apparently this is something that happens and he is on medication for it. He is ok, but his Dr said he needed to not work for the week. Mainly for appointments and to make sure everything really is ok. More work hours for me I guess. By Sunday I was insanely tired, to the point I was feeling dizzy and getting vertigo. If you have ever had to deal with that you’ll know its not fun at all. But I made it through, I got off work at 5 instead of 6. I went home kissed my family hello and promptly went to sleep for 2 hrs. Woke still feeling tired but able to move with no weirdness happening.

I put the last touches on Victors costume and started mine. I had such GLORIOUS PLANS – but it’s not going to happen. Not enough time in the day. Of course I realize that I didn’t even tell you guys what I planned on dressing as – lol

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The face of someone who had a nice nap lol