Category Archives: trying

Life Update

Hey everyone – I hope life is finding you well enough to do the things that need doing. For me I am progressing in a forward motion, that’s good right? I am still working way more hours then I would like – but that’s how I pay the bills.

I stopped streaming for about 3 months – I didn’t want it to go that far but it did. Last week I decided to jump back into the pool. I streamed on Friday & twice on Saturday – I figured they were my 2 days off so I could really focus on what I wanted to do. It was fun – I’m actually happy that I decided to do it again. I even got my audio stuff together (I was having an issue with volume control). I cried a bit on Saturdays stream because I got 5 subscribers, I know it doesn’t seem like a lot, but considering I only had 1 a while ago it was still a nice thing. So you know what that means? Working on badges, lucky for me I  have ideas on what to do for that. I also streamed for an hour last night, I figured if I’m gonna play maybe someone will like to watch me play. I still don’t have a camera yet, I have been told I should get one. Right now I stream in my living room since that’s where the computer is. But I have a walk in closet that is just storage right now, the plan this week is to get it cleared out and move everything into there. That way if I’m loud I’m not disturbing anyone else in the house. If you want come by and watch me try and relearn like every THING. 

I have also started on a new path in regards to jewelry making – as in now i’m using resins to not only make pieces, but to also give a more finished look to pieces I have done already. I know it sounds like I have my hands in a lot of pots, because in a way I guess I do. It’s all part of being on this path to being a more true version of myself.

Earrings

A bit of a fuzzy picture – sorry

I’m also using different types of clay – I’ll keep everyone updated on how that goes lol. This picture is a pair of dragon scale earrings that I wasn’t happy with but decided to fill in with resin, I SWEAR they look better in person lol. To be honest, I am a but of a cute obsessive – not that you would know by my everyday look. I think it has something to do with growing up around an older brother and uncles and boy cousins – so that tomboy part came out and sort of stuck. Had very few times to be a girly girl. Now that I’m older I have moments. I admit I really enjoy the making of these things – I’m gonna start with fake sweets and move on from there.

Besides that things are going as they should…maybe lol

Stay classy you guys.

How to ask?

I’m writing this because of something that has happened. So I have a Samsung tablet that is a “new to me” type situation. I HATED it for a long time. It doesn’t get wifi in my house in some spots. It takes forever to charge, but it was free so I didn’t complain about it. It was already 5 years old when I got it and that was 3 years ago.

Last night it flickered, flickered and died. It charged 100%, it just doesn’t work any more. That makes me sad as I had some things on there I wanted to keep. Thank goodness my pictures are in the cloud, So I don’t have to worry about that.

I was talking to a friend about it and they told me I should just buy a new one. I’m like UH I don’t have a budget for that. I am the main bread winner in my family. My son will be starting back to school soon so everything not in bills and rent is held for back to school supplies and clothing.

I do own a Fire tablet (more then 5 years old) – the screen is cracked so it has packing tape on it. I also have an ipad that is about 8 years old (also has the packing tape screen). Both were new to me items handed down from my sister. So I mean ok. I have a desk top at home – something I am crazy proud of as I built it from scratch about 4 years ago. It’s still working like a charm.

BUT the tablet I need for day to day things. Communication, emails, reading, writing, note taking, photo editing. Just tons of things. Now I have been doing some thinking about it – so unless someone wants to GIVE me an old device they don’t use any more. ‘m gonna have to figure something out.

A suggestion a co-worker gave was maybe start a donation thing. So I do have that on my Twitch page so I can get bits – but I don’t have like a donation page. It started me to thinking…WHY would anyone WANT to donate money to me? I mean my blogging is ok. My Twitch game play is ok. What other services could I provide? I do have stories I write and jewelry pieces I make. Which could be potential for a bit of extra money.

I don’t want to be one of those people that complains a lot about things. My financial situation is MY situation. There are people out there who have medical bills they need to pay, medications they need to buy, food they need to provide. I get it and it sometimes makes me feel guilty that I WANT things.

I have to say yes, I am thankful – I don’t own a car as everything is in walking distance to where I live. I don’t have credit card debt for the reason that I DON’T use the card for anything I can’t pay off right then and there. I rent and pay utilities – as is life sometimes. I pay for my own health insurance and it’s high, but in the long run has been a good investment. Health wise I take precautions for both my son and I to keep us in fairly decent health. I don’t have big overhead, I am frugal for sure. Thinking about this is actually making me sad. I realize I actually don’t do the luxury living things. I haven’t taken a day off from work in 15 years. I haven’t bought new clothing for myself in like 6 years. I don’t even own a cellphone and haven’t for almost 9 years. Building the computer was the biggest luxury item I bought 3 years ago. Tax returns are used for bills, groceries and new things for my growing son (cause kids grow). Which is not anyone’s fault; I made the choice to have kids so I have to provide.

Anyway – I’m going off on a tangent….so I made a link to my PayPal.  

I’m not sure how well it’s gonna go, but I figured I would give it a try…I think I’m gonna set a goal of $500. That way I could get the tablet, case, maybe pen (?)…well enough of my ramble. you all have a GREAT day.

I got the giggles

ok let me explain – so it’s Blaughast and as always i’m pretty excited to be doing the things. Although I’m PRETTY sure I’m gonna not do all of them and that’s ok. I will admit one of the really great things I love is that I get to find so many blogs to read. There are a lot of really talented people out there and they can create content like it was nothing (although I’m sure to them its something). Writing isn’t easy it takes a LOT of work and like any skill should be used as often as one can in order to stay sharp.

So today was my Check My Email Its Been A Couple Of Days day. I’m gonna be a hundred with you guys and let you know if I can get my inbox to like 400 I’m happy. (current count is 1,422 – DON’T JUDGE ME well not for that at least). So it shows a lot of activity on peoples blogs that I follow. Now I am a firm believer in supporting things people I like are passionate about. Meaning good positive things of course. If you’re a racist or a bigot or something along those lines I have to draw the line. I don’t have time for that energy.

As i’m going through I start reading peoples posts, liking some, commenting on others. It might not create a dialog, but sometimes it will bring a small sprinkle of happiness. I have a weird type of social anxiety. I have a part of me that is out going within reason but I can also have these panic attacks. It’s something I live with and it has gotten a lot better over the years. The few people I call friend understand – there will be times I will talk to you every day and others where it could likely be months between conversations. Its nothing personal. ANYWAY so the first blog I get to is this one the persons name is Syp and I don’t know them. Don’t think I’ve ever spoken to them. It’s a new blog i’m following thanks to Blagaust. In one of his posts he lists people who are doing the things. Getting to the list I saw my name – MY NAME AND MY BLOG NAME…..I was so happy. I know I blushed and had a silly grin on my face.

Why am I sharing this? Easy, sometimes what we do is seen by the Universe. Sometimes that project that you pour your heart into get recognized as being a thing. As being real. Life can be frustrating and sad at time – but guess what? Someone see’s you and that can be a lot. A small zing in a land of dull. So I’m gonna try and make sure not only that this thing keeps going but that I drop a line to others and let them know we see you and it is good.

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Am I to Old to Be Cute?

I know you are wondering – what is she talking about now? Of course you can’t be to old to be cute – but hear me out cause I’m being specific about somethings. It took me a long time to write this post, frankly because I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to write it at all. If you’ve been reading the blog I have of course given out fun facts about me and my life. Pretty much how I more or less view myself depending on the mood by brain is in at that time. 

Now I am 42 years old – not a spring chicken in any stretch of the imagination. As for my looks I can go either way – I think I’m rather plain looking, but i have a good personality so there is that. Growing up my Grandmother instilled in me that looks aren’t all that important – while also saying they are. One should be clean and smile and be pleasant in personality. Clothing should fit well, hair brushed and if one were to wear makeup nothing overly dramatic. All good solid advice for sure. My aunts of course were DIVA STARS, the loved dressing up, wearing makeup and didn’t think twice about wearing wigs of various colors and lengths. I spent a good amount of time helping them to get ready for dates and parties and enjoyed it very much. I have an eye for coordinating things in a way that looked good and after dressing them would have impromptu photo shoots. They OF COURSE wanted the same for me to some degree – often trying to get me to do the same as them. I had my moments – my hair has been a variety of different colors and shaving my head was never a problem. Now though when i look at myself in the mirror I have times when I want to express myself more. I am IN LOVE with cute fashion. Quirky fashion. Cultural fashion. I like the combinations and the mix of colors or lack of colors, in a way this is all mixed up with these “personalities” I have. Not like multi-personality disorder, that is a serious thing and should not be taken lightly. 

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I know because of how I was raised I have a lot of disassociation. There us a part of me that will stay within these lines, but another part of me that doesn’t. It’s a bit crazy – I like wearing bows to work and fun colors. I make earrings and things like that but don’t wear them as they were considered “flashy” when I was growing up. I can apply makeup in a pleasant way that looks very natural.

What does this have to do with being cute? I have so many parts of my personality that I want to express, but don’t. I don’t know how to really be this carefree person I want to be. I don’t know how to convince myself that its OK. There isn’t anyone who’s permission I can ask – if that makes sense. It has been making me feel bad for a while now. Manly because I feel as if I’m doing people who are my “friends” a disservice. HOW can they be friends with someone who is so complicated? Which is selfish to say as ALL people are complicated. I think it’s because I don’t really know anyone I can be 100% myself with, not even myself. 

Add onto that I’m not sure how to make friends with people who share the same sort of mixed up interests. I don’t go out anywhere  – mainly because I have this feeling of guilt when it comes to ME instead of focusing on helping my kids. Which in itself is messed up because how can I expect well adjusted children if I can’t be happy with myself – which is deeper level weird as I don’t want to be fake to them. It’s a vicious circle and I’m getting tired of it now.

I know you can’t depend on others for your happiness/contentment. That you should look into yourself to be strong and be the person you want to be. I’m just having a hard time with it and have been for a while. In the end its not doing anything but making me feel sad and I don’t want to be sad anymore. Yesterday after I got home from work, made sure Victor was all together I went to sleep – at 7:30 pm. I woke up at 6 am this morning. Which is fine since he goes to bed at the same time. I didn’t feel any better, I’m drained most of the time now. There are some projects I want to do but haven’t even started yet. But whatever now i feel more sad so ‘m going to just end this here.

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What’s Going Down In This Town?

Hey everyone, so things have been super super busy. Two girls left my job – which is fine they are on to bigger and better things I guess. So the other receptionist and I had to sort of pull it together. Which meant a crazy amount of hours. The last 3 weeks I have averaged over  50 something hours per week. They did finally hire someone – but I had to train him. Also fine no problem just means more hours of working. Last week was supposed to be when he started on his own and I was excited for it. Mainly because it means  I would be getting out of work at 3 pm instead of 6:30 pm. Also because Halloween is coming up and I would ACTUALLY have time to finish costumes this year in a timely manor.

Sadly the Saturday he was supposed to start he had a seizure on the train – apparently this is something that happens and he is on medication for it. He is ok, but his Dr said he needed to not work for the week. Mainly for appointments and to make sure everything really is ok. More work hours for me I guess. By Sunday I was insanely tired, to the point I was feeling dizzy and getting vertigo. If you have ever had to deal with that you’ll know its not fun at all. But I made it through, I got off work at 5 instead of 6. I went home kissed my family hello and promptly went to sleep for 2 hrs. Woke still feeling tired but able to move with no weirdness happening.

I put the last touches on Victors costume and started mine. I had such GLORIOUS PLANS – but it’s not going to happen. Not enough time in the day. Of course I realize that I didn’t even tell you guys what I planned on dressing as – lol

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The face of someone who had a nice nap lol