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A Time of Grieving

My Grandmother passed away last week and I’m still pretty weird about it. Not so much sad, as sort of floating in limbo. She was 97 years old – a very long time to be alive. She was not always the easiest person to get along with. In truth she seemed to enjoy pitting family members against each other. don’t get me wrong I kinda understand – she enjoyed being in the middle of things.

The down side being she couldn’t really be close to people. When MY parents passed when I was 5 she took in my brother and I. She was already in her 60’s, she didnt have to but she did. My life with her was good enough – we got along pretty well. We didn’t talk often but when we did we laughed.

She also always gave me the weirdest advice.

Don’t let a man buy you icecream all he’ll think about is sex.

Always make sure you have $20 in your shoe in case of emergencies.

If you spend $600 on a pair of shoes the food you put in your mouth better be good.

Things like that. She didn’t tell me she loved me till I was 18 years old, but she explained that love was making sure you were fed and had a roof over your head.

I loved my Grandmother – she was the last tie I had to the town I grew up in, that i STILL live in. Now she’s gone and I think it’s time for me to move on. It’s a big decision for me and I’m scared out of my mind. BUT maybe things can now get better.

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In Loving Memory

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Grandma and Max

My Grandmother Martha Harris passed away on Wednesday August 7th. She was 97 years old. It has been tiring dealing with it. No not dealing with it but dealing with my family.

When I got divorced 13 years ago I moved back home with her. She didn’t judge me about it – just opened her door and let me and my then 10 yo son move back in. My Grandmother and I had always been close. She raised me when my mother passed away when I was 5. We knew each other well, agreed on a lot,  and had learned how to orbit each other.

My sister and I were lucky in that we got to see her before she passed. I did what I usually did – I made jokes. I couldn’t tell if she could hear me or not. I said I knew she didn’t want all these people hovering over her. That her comforter was ugly (something we always shared was our love for interior design). Mainly I cried – I cried a lot. The woman in the bed was not my Grandmother. In the movies and TV they show images of people passing in the hospital. Laying calm and collected – that is NOT how it actually is most of the time. She was still for a bit, then she moved around a lot, then still again. I wanted to stay for as long as I could – but I knew I couldn’t. There was other family coming and to be honest I didn’t want to have to see them.

No one family is perfect – not ONE. Life has 3 sides – your side, their side and the truth. The truth from my perspective is that most of my family does not like the other side of my family. They don’t even pretend – they sincerely hate each other. There are the aunts and uncles (there are 13 of them) and they have kids and so on and so forth. A lot of the cousins as we call ourselves have absorbed the animosity from their parents. It’s sad but true. I am an anomaly, mainly because my parents died when I was young. Then being raised by Grandma I had bits and pieces of everyone and everything. It felt like having to many mothers and fathers sometimes. Until I hit about 12 and then it was no one and nothing. Or rather the put downs and feeling like a black sheep.

BUT I digress – my Grandmother is gone and i’m gonna miss her. She made me promise to not write anything about her and the family until after she died.

Fiddling Around

So it has come to my attention there are things called Dollmakers. It’s a create your own character type avatars. It’s actually kind of fun –  since i’m all about character creation I did spend a bit of time on these.  There are a LOT of them out there so I tried some just to see what it was like:

https://www.dolldivine.com/ this one has about 13 pages of options here are some Avatars I made using random ones..2

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https://picrew.me/  : This one is a bit different then the other. Picrew is an image maker platform that allows you to create an image maker with your own illustrations and to play with your own image maker. The sight is in Japanese, but it wasn’t an issue since i simply translated. There are a lot of good ones here – but some that could use a bit of work. Since its creator made it’s limited by the persons imagination. Here are some I liked

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These were just a few and although there were a lot of options some offered more then others. Since I’m always in search of a new Avatar one of these I MIGHT use.

Twitch and Thangs

I have been busy as of late – a lot of stuff was happening in my life. The possibility of my job closing, the chance of loosing my apartment, the realization that I am in fact getting older if I like it or not.

I looked at this year as a time to do things that I had out on the back burner of life, which is something that often happens when we least expect it. When we start to have kids and get caught up in paying bills we loose a bit of ourselves. Not saying I would want to change that but it seems as if its something that happens.

So this year my youngest son turned 10 and I had to have a long hard look at life. My son is mildly autistic – which is just something one has to deal with. I realized that I coddle him WAY more than I should. He is the sweetest kid – not perfect in anyway but a wonderful boy. I look at him everyday and realize that there was a lot of things he doesn’t do because I didn’t let him. So this summer we made a list of things that he needs to learn to do on his own. We started by saying he needs to start his own shower or run his own bath. Don’t get me wrong its not like I stand in the bathroom with him – I simply turn it on and leave the room. There are so many things he does do and I am proud of him..Is it me? Is it a parenting thing? We want our children to do well and be productive adults – the way the road goes I suppose.

So I have been slowly working through the things I would like to do. It’s a lot shorter than I originally thought. There are a lot of stuff that I have no real interest in doing anymore. I’m in that sort of paused limbo space – where knowing what I want may not be what is best for me. Anyways, so I have been plugging along with Twitch. Not that it’s anything crazy just when I can at this point. I would LOVE to spend more time playing but that would mean less time with Victor and I would hate to do that to him.

But after so many months I have become Affiliated – which was a HUGH deal. Yes I cried during the stream because I was so happy. (https://www.twitch.tv/sunnybunny251) but im gonna keep at it best I can ^_^

 

HOLY CRAP FAM

Ok so a lot has been going on and I need to write this down or I’m just gonna wallow in self pity. So I’m pretty sure I told you all about how my job may be closing down in August and the options I have are few to none job wise. I am the sole bread winner in my household and I have been really stupid about not saving money because I have been more or less living paycheck to paycheck.

NOW I have been streaming and after today’s stream later today I will be a twitch affiliate. It’s has been one of my goals to get here and I’m really excited about it. I’m also scared out of my mind – but that’s neither here or there. It is what it is and frankly I need to just shut up about it. NOW I know at this point I’m not gonna be a full time streamer, its something I do to have fun – as of late because of my home situation it has most definatly NOT been fun.

I feel like every day I am on the boarder line of a panic attack. Like full on just falling out, but I can’t because you know I have a kid and he doesn’t need to see his mother have a meltdown because he will have one as well.

I have gotten an offer of a place to sell my jewelry – pretty dam exciting but i’m feeling like i’m setting myself up to fail because I am 95% done with EVERYTHING I’m making. I’m so scared about it and its so not rational at all. BUT I can do it and I’m gonna do it. Which leads to other things I want to do craft wise – I feel like I can’t branch out just yet because I don’t have roots yet and its driving me in circles and crazy. MY BRAIN IS SETTING ME UP.

I’ve also gotten more into my spirituality or rather I have always been there but its getting a lot deeper now. Everything is pointing at success but I’m to scared to take the step. But I will be mad at myself if I don’t. It’s SOMETHING. Like HOLY FUCK (excuse the language of course).

So that’s whats going on – a lot of uncertainty and confusion and doubt. I hate this being scared of the future that I have little to no control over. I hate being this scared person who can do a lot if its pertaining to other people not so much for myself. I hate this life – but I’m living it and it is UGH.

The World Is A Shit Show

So things have been going on as of late. So they may be closing my job down by the end of August. Which now there still has been no word if this will actually happen. so I’m trying to plan things accordingly.

Sometimes it feels like everything is going well but then things poop all over you. I have been striving for happiness. I have been feeling very positive and working to make myself a more whole and spiritual person. I spent a full day working on pieces that I hadn’t had time to do. I was and am feeling good.

Yesterday for no reason at all my shoulder started to hurt. It may be a pinched nerve or just a low ache. So I first thought maybe I was having a heart attack. Its something that apparently happens. I took an aspirin and  although the pain went away it still hurts. If that makes any sense at all – lol. Now I’m still aching, it still hurts and im thinking its because of the way I sit at the computer and the way I sit on the bed when I craft stuff. Add on the way I sleep, so many things it COULD be.

ORRRRRRRRRRRRR it could just be stress. The thing is this – sometimes we want to live our lives a certain way. Sometimes we want to put ourselves where we want to be – but we also cock block ourselves. We stop ourselves from growing, we lock ourselves into these places where we are trapped and can’t get out.

For the past few months I have been letting myself grow, I have been opening myself up for change because I knew it had to happen. BUT when we open ourselves to change the Universe is gonna change us. Sometimes in big ways sometimes in small – but its gonna happen.

So changes are happening and I’m in this wave of events. I’m not going with sink or swim any more – im going with high and dry.

Hey

I have been working on a lot of other things. I stopped streaming for 2 months because I was feeling discouraged – not by streaming but by my computer which was being a turd. I am also very physically tired.

A lot of things I have no control over have been happening and I’m dealing. Not gonna go into details but it is what it is. I have had a lot of positive stuff happen and some not so positive. Such is life right?

I’m trying my hand at focusing more I think I can do it.

Whelp that’s whats going down. Thank you for keeping up with me on this whatever it is im on right now lol

LOVE YOU ALL…..

p.s. gonna try for once a week posting I think that will work better for me ^_^