HEY everybody – so it has been a crazy large amount of time since I’ve written. Life has been going along at a very nice clip – well no its been a big loop of things.
The processor and video card on my computer needs to be updated – which is out of my budget for now. One of the screens I usually use also shut down – kicked the bucket. I was very very lucky that the IT guys gave me one. So back to 2 screens (dam I’m a spoiled fuck aren’t I?) Anyway after taking the computer apart and dusting all the parts and resetting everything it works again. I don’t know why but it does.
So it depressed me like seriously. I have been streaming pretty regular, got followers and subs and everything – not HUGH numbers. In truth I just couldn’t play anything – I mean of course I just went deeper into my stash of games and rediscovered some I hadn’t played in a long while.
I also have a trial Amazon Prime account and I went to check out what shows they had. One that I had heard a lot about is THE EXPANSE – holy gosh if you haven’t seen it TRUST me it’s worth it. I like Science Fiction a lot – but not usually space opera stuff, whelp this was for sure worth it. I’m already on the 3rd season. I love that I can watch them on my Amazon tablet (which is also old as dirt). It’s exciting stuff for sure.
Been working with the resins and pigments as well – small pieces but they have been coming along well with the UV resin. This weekend I plan on trying the regular resin. Hopefully I will be able to figure it out and it works well. I need a new camera so I can take pictures of stuff.
I haven’t decided yet whats gonna happen with this blog as of yet. I want to keep it, and don’t worry I will. I just need to get a nice schedule going on ideas.
Listen thanks everyone who has been following me so far – you are all so amazing and I hope this year lifts us all up…
So I just wanted to start off with an FYI – it is buy one get one free at Dunkin Donuts. I found this happy joy moment out at 6:45am when I went for my fix before work.
SO whats been going down? Most recent I got sick, some dang virus from my child who got it from school. Coughing and spent my 2 days off sleeping most of the day and highly drugged. I regret nothing of course, although I am still dragging ass a bit.
We have an out break of fucking bedbugs in my apartment building. Let me tell you its the MOST annoying thing ever. This is the forth time this has happened. I bought a hand held steamer to help with the problem, best $100 I ever spent. It sucks because I have to steam everyday, the mattresses and the carpet. Then pour rubbing alcohol all around the seams of the mattress and the crease where the carpet meets the wall. I have 2 mattress protectors on the mattress so that’s good. The land lord is cheap and doesn’t want to spend the money for the best service. So Wednesday they sent someone after I threatened to call the health department again. The guy sprayed and it was good for all of ONE DAY then they were back again.
My arms are covered with bites and no matter how much people tell you otherwise the bites fucking hurt and itch, they wake up my son and I. I have nearly NO furniture in my apartment because everything has been infested at this point. I want to move but of course I can’t right now because of budget. So I suffer on. I have all things packed in plastic bags – why bags you say? Simple when I tried to put things in boxes the fucking things would get into them. I’ve had to throw away a bunch of my books simply because they are covered in the eggs and poop of these litter fuckers.
I bought some tupboxes which seem to help keep the clothing clean and bug free. It’s still annoying as fuck. I need to get some more on friday when I get paid. So I’ll just be living in a storage unit now *shrug* But besides that you know life goes on….
My Grandmother passed away last week and I’m still pretty weird about it. Not so much sad, as sort of floating in limbo. She was 97 years old – a very long time to be alive. She was not always the easiest person to get along with. In truth she seemed to enjoy pitting family members against each other. don’t get me wrong I kinda understand – she enjoyed being in the middle of things.
The down side being she couldn’t really be close to people. When MY parents passed when I was 5 she took in my brother and I. She was already in her 60’s, she didnt have to but she did. My life with her was good enough – we got along pretty well. We didn’t talk often but when we did we laughed.
She also always gave me the weirdest advice.
Don’t let a man buy you icecream all he’ll think about is sex.
Always make sure you have $20 in your shoe in case of emergencies.
If you spend $600 on a pair of shoes the food you put in your mouth better be good.
Things like that. She didn’t tell me she loved me till I was 18 years old, but she explained that love was making sure you were fed and had a roof over your head.
I loved my Grandmother – she was the last tie I had to the town I grew up in, that i STILL live in. Now she’s gone and I think it’s time for me to move on. It’s a big decision for me and I’m scared out of my mind. BUT maybe things can now get better.
Grandma and Max
My Grandmother Martha Harris passed away on Wednesday August 7th. She was 97 years old. It has been tiring dealing with it. No not dealing with it but dealing with my family.
When I got divorced 13 years ago I moved back home with her. She didn’t judge me about it – just opened her door and let me and my then 10 yo son move back in. My Grandmother and I had always been close. She raised me when my mother passed away when I was 5. We knew each other well, agreed on a lot, and had learned how to orbit each other.
My sister and I were lucky in that we got to see her before she passed. I did what I usually did – I made jokes. I couldn’t tell if she could hear me or not. I said I knew she didn’t want all these people hovering over her. That her comforter was ugly (something we always shared was our love for interior design). Mainly I cried – I cried a lot. The woman in the bed was not my Grandmother. In the movies and TV they show images of people passing in the hospital. Laying calm and collected – that is NOT how it actually is most of the time. She was still for a bit, then she moved around a lot, then still again. I wanted to stay for as long as I could – but I knew I couldn’t. There was other family coming and to be honest I didn’t want to have to see them.
No one family is perfect – not ONE. Life has 3 sides – your side, their side and the truth. The truth from my perspective is that most of my family does not like the other side of my family. They don’t even pretend – they sincerely hate each other. There are the aunts and uncles (there are 13 of them) and they have kids and so on and so forth. A lot of the cousins as we call ourselves have absorbed the animosity from their parents. It’s sad but true. I am an anomaly, mainly because my parents died when I was young. Then being raised by Grandma I had bits and pieces of everyone and everything. It felt like having to many mothers and fathers sometimes. Until I hit about 12 and then it was no one and nothing. Or rather the put downs and feeling like a black sheep.
BUT I digress – my Grandmother is gone and i’m gonna miss her. She made me promise to not write anything about her and the family until after she died.
So it has come to my attention there are things called Dollmakers. It’s a create your own character type avatars. It’s actually kind of fun – since i’m all about character creation I did spend a bit of time on these. There are a LOT of them out there so I tried some just to see what it was like:
https://www.dolldivine.com/ this one has about 13 pages of options here are some Avatars I made using random ones..
https://picrew.me/ : This one is a bit different then the other. Picrew is an image maker platform that allows you to create an image maker with your own illustrations and to play with your own image maker. The sight is in Japanese, but it wasn’t an issue since i simply translated. There are a lot of good ones here – but some that could use a bit of work. Since its creator made it’s limited by the persons imagination. Here are some I liked
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These were just a few and although there were a lot of options some offered more then others. Since I’m always in search of a new Avatar one of these I MIGHT use.
I have been busy as of late – a lot of stuff was happening in my life. The possibility of my job closing, the chance of loosing my apartment, the realization that I am in fact getting older if I like it or not.
I looked at this year as a time to do things that I had out on the back burner of life, which is something that often happens when we least expect it. When we start to have kids and get caught up in paying bills we loose a bit of ourselves. Not saying I would want to change that but it seems as if its something that happens.
So this year my youngest son turned 10 and I had to have a long hard look at life. My son is mildly autistic – which is just something one has to deal with. I realized that I coddle him WAY more than I should. He is the sweetest kid – not perfect in anyway but a wonderful boy. I look at him everyday and realize that there was a lot of things he doesn’t do because I didn’t let him. So this summer we made a list of things that he needs to learn to do on his own. We started by saying he needs to start his own shower or run his own bath. Don’t get me wrong its not like I stand in the bathroom with him – I simply turn it on and leave the room. There are so many things he does do and I am proud of him..Is it me? Is it a parenting thing? We want our children to do well and be productive adults – the way the road goes I suppose.
So I have been slowly working through the things I would like to do. It’s a lot shorter than I originally thought. There are a lot of stuff that I have no real interest in doing anymore. I’m in that sort of paused limbo space – where knowing what I want may not be what is best for me. Anyways, so I have been plugging along with Twitch. Not that it’s anything crazy just when I can at this point. I would LOVE to spend more time playing but that would mean less time with Victor and I would hate to do that to him.
But after so many months I have become Affiliated – which was a HUGH deal. Yes I cried during the stream because I was so happy. (https://www.twitch.tv/sunnybunny251) but im gonna keep at it best I can ^_^
Ok so a lot has been going on and I need to write this down or I’m just gonna wallow in self pity. So I’m pretty sure I told you all about how my job may be closing down in August and the options I have are few to none job wise. I am the sole bread winner in my household and I have been really stupid about not saving money because I have been more or less living paycheck to paycheck.
NOW I have been streaming and after today’s stream later today I will be a twitch affiliate. It’s has been one of my goals to get here and I’m really excited about it. I’m also scared out of my mind – but that’s neither here or there. It is what it is and frankly I need to just shut up about it. NOW I know at this point I’m not gonna be a full time streamer, its something I do to have fun – as of late because of my home situation it has most definatly NOT been fun.
I feel like every day I am on the boarder line of a panic attack. Like full on just falling out, but I can’t because you know I have a kid and he doesn’t need to see his mother have a meltdown because he will have one as well.
I have gotten an offer of a place to sell my jewelry – pretty dam exciting but i’m feeling like i’m setting myself up to fail because I am 95% done with EVERYTHING I’m making. I’m so scared about it and its so not rational at all. BUT I can do it and I’m gonna do it. Which leads to other things I want to do craft wise – I feel like I can’t branch out just yet because I don’t have roots yet and its driving me in circles and crazy. MY BRAIN IS SETTING ME UP.
I’ve also gotten more into my spirituality or rather I have always been there but its getting a lot deeper now. Everything is pointing at success but I’m to scared to take the step. But I will be mad at myself if I don’t. It’s SOMETHING. Like HOLY FUCK (excuse the language of course).
So that’s whats going on – a lot of uncertainty and confusion and doubt. I hate this being scared of the future that I have little to no control over. I hate being this scared person who can do a lot if its pertaining to other people not so much for myself. I hate this life – but I’m living it and it is UGH.
So things have been going on as of late. So they may be closing my job down by the end of August. Which now there still has been no word if this will actually happen. so I’m trying to plan things accordingly.
Sometimes it feels like everything is going well but then things poop all over you. I have been striving for happiness. I have been feeling very positive and working to make myself a more whole and spiritual person. I spent a full day working on pieces that I hadn’t had time to do. I was and am feeling good.
Yesterday for no reason at all my shoulder started to hurt. It may be a pinched nerve or just a low ache. So I first thought maybe I was having a heart attack. Its something that apparently happens. I took an aspirin and although the pain went away it still hurts. If that makes any sense at all – lol. Now I’m still aching, it still hurts and im thinking its because of the way I sit at the computer and the way I sit on the bed when I craft stuff. Add on the way I sleep, so many things it COULD be.
ORRRRRRRRRRRRR it could just be stress. The thing is this – sometimes we want to live our lives a certain way. Sometimes we want to put ourselves where we want to be – but we also cock block ourselves. We stop ourselves from growing, we lock ourselves into these places where we are trapped and can’t get out.
For the past few months I have been letting myself grow, I have been opening myself up for change because I knew it had to happen. BUT when we open ourselves to change the Universe is gonna change us. Sometimes in big ways sometimes in small – but its gonna happen.
So changes are happening and I’m in this wave of events. I’m not going with sink or swim any more – im going with high and dry.
I have been working on a lot of other things. I stopped streaming for 2 months because I was feeling discouraged – not by streaming but by my computer which was being a turd. I am also very physically tired.
A lot of things I have no control over have been happening and I’m dealing. Not gonna go into details but it is what it is. I have had a lot of positive stuff happen and some not so positive. Such is life right?
I’m trying my hand at focusing more I think I can do it.
Whelp that’s whats going down. Thank you for keeping up with me on this whatever it is im on right now lol
LOVE YOU ALL…..
p.s. gonna try for once a week posting I think that will work better for me ^_^
Yup it’s me – you know its me cause your following this blog…of mine….derp. Well life has been a journey of adulting. Working, dealing with snow, helping the Boy. He is in a special education program and he is being moved to the regular class next year. So what has been happening is he has been going into the bigger class for a couple of hours. He is ahead of his peers in math and he HATES to write. I mean he will do it, he just hates it. So I have been trying to help him foster that side of himself. I’m thinking of trying a voice to text program for him – not sure yet.
I have been playing ESO – I did the recent event. But a lot of my time has been helping a friend get his guild hall together. I don’t mind, but it’s a grind. I’ve also decided I want to actually finish dungeons with my main toon. So I’ve been doing those as well. I have the Hunters Glade house and have done nothing with it as of yet – still looking for Murkmire platforms and ramps. I had a realization the other day that I was actually soloing things with her – which is AMAZING.
This is my blog – there are many like it but this one is mine. There are other things I want to write about but not sure if I should put it all in one place.