Category Archives: What am I talking about?

Yeah Not Even Close

So it’s the 29th as two more months till the end of Blaugust – and I failed. Mainly because of my Grandmother passing away, I’ve been feeling like nothing and everything. I spent a good amount of time just working and vegging out.

The last few days I have been a lot more active I think. I’m looking to make some life changes which is always good. So last night I went to Walmart to buy some school supplies for the boy; It was a decent time. I decided to buy a new shower curtain and felt like an adult. I know it sounds weird to equate a shower curtain with adulting but it felt good (I also got a tooth brush holder).

I’ve been spending a LOT of time writing – it’s like this flood gate has opened and I’m jumping on it. I’m determined to become the person I WANT to be.

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REALLY?

I was sort of stuck on what to title this post and I have to say REALLY? sums it up. Due to the family things i’ve been dealing with and the 100% death of my tablet I have rotated my entertainment life. I have am Amazon kindle fire 7 from like 2014. It has the amazing packing tape screen (dropped once to much) – BUT I can still use it to read books and play really simple games.

So something I had been meaning to do and putting off, was to get through my Amazon reading list. One of the things I kinda like about Amazon is you can self publish – you get a decent percentage off book sales – even if the book is listed as free you get something. The down side is you kinda start collecting free books after a while lol.

A few years back I started downloading free books – why not right? It was nice to have the classics and cook books. They also have free comics which is always a plus as far as i’m concerned. I read a bunch of new things too, and on very rare occasions I actually would buy the next book in the series. (That’s how you know I like it if i pay for it). As of today looking at my list I own 672 books; I have read about 100 of them. Some of them have been really good – and others not so much. I try and remember to leave a review for each one I finish, unless i really didn’t like it. You know the saying – you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say it at all.

Most of the stories are LitRPG, Fantasy, Space Opera, Alternate History, Supernatural,  etc, etc… the reason I read these the most is because it is also the genre I write in. I am also very, very guilty of reading “trashy” books. We called them bodice rippers when I was a kid. That book that was on the VERY top shelf of the book case in your house. They cost something like $1….the ones with Fabio on the cover. You know the ones. *wink,wink*

So now they are called Erotic “insert your own thing here”, no pun intended. They have like 3 covers – the cheerful perky one, the dark one and the ones with the “perfect” body image on the cover. And they all kinda read the same as well:

Poor girl meets rich guy who whisks her away to a dream life all while spanking her.

Sad unloved girl meets alpha “insert wereanimal”

Woman get seduced by boss and have kinky office fling

EVERYONE confuses sex with love

100 shades of NOPE

Yes, yes I know it’s fantasy and i’m not gonna lie these writers sell a good amount of book – but COME ONNNNN. So I went in search of variety. Mainly because of something I’ve been working on. Let me tell you it was NOT much better.

Main character is a big woman – instantly she is frumpy

Main character is a minority – instantly thug boyfriend, 5 baby daddies, drug addict, falls for drug dealer.

This weird mafia lover thing that I can’t even explain.

Main character gay – I can’t even describe the types of wrong.

Why is this an issue for me – if I don’t like it then don’t read it. YEAH I hear you..100% BUT I am reading it to know exactly what NOT to do.  I think I sometimes feel bad because I can SEE the story, you know? Like I understand where they were trying to go but getting there was a lot. Or the ending just sort of fizzled out – like they just wanted to be done with it and i get that. I can be the same way when writing things. One shot stories – like JUST this scene and that’s it. Which is valid and you CAN do that you just gotta know THAT’S what you’re doing.

It also gives me hope, hope that so many writers are trying to live their dreams. That someone out there is writing every single fantasy they have ever had and publishing it. That stuff that would IN NO WAY actually be published but is getting out there and hopefully inspiring others to write.

OK thats my rant and i’m done…LOVE YOUR FACES

 

 

 

 

How to ask?

I’m writing this because of something that has happened. So I have a Samsung tablet that is a “new to me” type situation. I HATED it for a long time. It doesn’t get wifi in my house in some spots. It takes forever to charge, but it was free so I didn’t complain about it. It was already 5 years old when I got it and that was 3 years ago.

Last night it flickered, flickered and died. It charged 100%, it just doesn’t work any more. That makes me sad as I had some things on there I wanted to keep. Thank goodness my pictures are in the cloud, So I don’t have to worry about that.

I was talking to a friend about it and they told me I should just buy a new one. I’m like UH I don’t have a budget for that. I am the main bread winner in my family. My son will be starting back to school soon so everything not in bills and rent is held for back to school supplies and clothing.

I do own a Fire tablet (more then 5 years old) – the screen is cracked so it has packing tape on it. I also have an ipad that is about 8 years old (also has the packing tape screen). Both were new to me items handed down from my sister. So I mean ok. I have a desk top at home – something I am crazy proud of as I built it from scratch about 4 years ago. It’s still working like a charm.

BUT the tablet I need for day to day things. Communication, emails, reading, writing, note taking, photo editing. Just tons of things. Now I have been doing some thinking about it – so unless someone wants to GIVE me an old device they don’t use any more. ‘m gonna have to figure something out.

A suggestion a co-worker gave was maybe start a donation thing. So I do have that on my Twitch page so I can get bits – but I don’t have like a donation page. It started me to thinking…WHY would anyone WANT to donate money to me? I mean my blogging is ok. My Twitch game play is ok. What other services could I provide? I do have stories I write and jewelry pieces I make. Which could be potential for a bit of extra money.

I don’t want to be one of those people that complains a lot about things. My financial situation is MY situation. There are people out there who have medical bills they need to pay, medications they need to buy, food they need to provide. I get it and it sometimes makes me feel guilty that I WANT things.

I have to say yes, I am thankful – I don’t own a car as everything is in walking distance to where I live. I don’t have credit card debt for the reason that I DON’T use the card for anything I can’t pay off right then and there. I rent and pay utilities – as is life sometimes. I pay for my own health insurance and it’s high, but in the long run has been a good investment. Health wise I take precautions for both my son and I to keep us in fairly decent health. I don’t have big overhead, I am frugal for sure. Thinking about this is actually making me sad. I realize I actually don’t do the luxury living things. I haven’t taken a day off from work in 15 years. I haven’t bought new clothing for myself in like 6 years. I don’t even own a cellphone and haven’t for almost 9 years. Building the computer was the biggest luxury item I bought 3 years ago. Tax returns are used for bills, groceries and new things for my growing son (cause kids grow). Which is not anyone’s fault; I made the choice to have kids so I have to provide.

Anyway – I’m going off on a tangent….so I made a link to my PayPal.  

I’m not sure how well it’s gonna go, but I figured I would give it a try…I think I’m gonna set a goal of $500. That way I could get the tablet, case, maybe pen (?)…well enough of my ramble. you all have a GREAT day.

I got the giggles

ok let me explain – so it’s Blaughast and as always i’m pretty excited to be doing the things. Although I’m PRETTY sure I’m gonna not do all of them and that’s ok. I will admit one of the really great things I love is that I get to find so many blogs to read. There are a lot of really talented people out there and they can create content like it was nothing (although I’m sure to them its something). Writing isn’t easy it takes a LOT of work and like any skill should be used as often as one can in order to stay sharp.

So today was my Check My Email Its Been A Couple Of Days day. I’m gonna be a hundred with you guys and let you know if I can get my inbox to like 400 I’m happy. (current count is 1,422 – DON’T JUDGE ME well not for that at least). So it shows a lot of activity on peoples blogs that I follow. Now I am a firm believer in supporting things people I like are passionate about. Meaning good positive things of course. If you’re a racist or a bigot or something along those lines I have to draw the line. I don’t have time for that energy.

As i’m going through I start reading peoples posts, liking some, commenting on others. It might not create a dialog, but sometimes it will bring a small sprinkle of happiness. I have a weird type of social anxiety. I have a part of me that is out going within reason but I can also have these panic attacks. It’s something I live with and it has gotten a lot better over the years. The few people I call friend understand – there will be times I will talk to you every day and others where it could likely be months between conversations. Its nothing personal. ANYWAY so the first blog I get to is this one the persons name is Syp and I don’t know them. Don’t think I’ve ever spoken to them. It’s a new blog i’m following thanks to Blagaust. In one of his posts he lists people who are doing the things. Getting to the list I saw my name – MY NAME AND MY BLOG NAME…..I was so happy. I know I blushed and had a silly grin on my face.

Why am I sharing this? Easy, sometimes what we do is seen by the Universe. Sometimes that project that you pour your heart into get recognized as being a thing. As being real. Life can be frustrating and sad at time – but guess what? Someone see’s you and that can be a lot. A small zing in a land of dull. So I’m gonna try and make sure not only that this thing keeps going but that I drop a line to others and let them know we see you and it is good.

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yeah

I am new to the Fallout Universe so I don’t know too much about the lore. I know this is not important to the enjoyment of the game play; BUT I am an odd Bunny so you know Lore is what sucks me in. More for the back story creation for myself (and usually later down the line when I start writing fanfiction about a game). Sometimes there can be to MUCH lore and it all can get mixed up.

ANYWAY I did try and get a basic understanding of the story line. So Fallout 4 you go into the vault on October 23 2077 – that’s when the bomb drops. Your frozen until October 23 2287  which is uhhh 210 years later. In Fallout 76 you leave the vault on October 23rd 2102 which is 25 years later. So there is a rough 185 year difference. Also Fallout 4 is in Boston and Fallout 76 is in Virginia.

There are things that are the same in the games and things that are different of course. The thing that was really annoying me and i’m just realizing right now. In FO76 there are more weapons and bullets and what not, BUT in 4 there is less. I want to be salty about this but thinking about the years between the two games I guess I understand it a lot better now. Since one is only 25ish years after the bomb falls of course there would be more of a supply. Everything hadn’t all been used. There would still be stockpiles of it. In FO4 it is a later year, less supply. It makes sense to me now that I have focused my tired brain on it.

In FO4 they give you a power armour pretty early on, in FO76 I found it by accident after wandering around. Im gonna just put it out there. i don’t LIKE power armour. Its hard to navigate around and its loud. In FO76 I parked it and continued on with my exploration and discovery. In FO4 I did the same, but it quickly came clear that I was gonna need it if I liked it or not. Which I did not.

but im still trying to figure the game out.

 

I need to be saved from myself and other things I say.

Welcome to Summer 2019 – where it’s hot as heck here in NY. Friday and Saturday were BRUTAL – like surface of the sun hotness. So, I being the smart Bunny that I am stayed inside my burrow. I’m old enough to know summertime is hot, I’m not disillusioned of this fact in any way and being the type of mother I am we stayed INDOORS. I have heavy blackout curtains and let the AC run on low all day. It was lovely. BUT, the question is what does one do inside.

We have 2 computers in the house – the BOY was on the one in the kitchen doing home school work. Its an older computer, so its perfect for the things he needed to do and it runs the Spore game he’s in LOVE with. I used the one in the living room. It’s newer and still going strong considering I built it from scratch like 2 years ago (actually it might have been 3 I’m not so sure now).

I spent most of the 2 days on said computer – logging in and right back out of ESO since my add-ons weren’t working and it was annoying me (UPDATE: they work now but I don’t know why they are acting so weird). I Streamed some Fallout 76. Did I tell you guys I got the game and I really like it. It’s soooo good, I spend hours wandering around discovering new things, getting missions and just poking my nose where is probably shouldn’t be. I think the biggest surprise for me is I have become a sniper – I love using the scope and just hitting things while hidden from a distance. For close up, I use a machete. I have various pistols and other rifles, but my S and M are my favorites.

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My Fallout 76 Character just playin’ some tunes

I love the character – or rather I lover her MORE now than I did. The original was cute enough but I remade her a bit and now it’s just WONDERFUL…

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This is what she originally looked like.

So this is her Vault ID card – character creation in this game is WORK. There are a lot of options all of them really really good. Straight on she looks very attractive – side view not so much. I mean ok I understand no beauty queens but can’t she have a good side GOSH. After a few weeks of playing I realized through all the screen shots I wasn’t really connecting with the Character any more. She didn’t have a name, I didn’t feel her story and as much fun as I was having I wasn’t all in…you know? I didn’t want to start all over again and I knew I had another Character “slot” , but i’m not THAT excited to start from the beginning again at this point. So I sat and fiddled with her creation again.

SO yeah there are a lot of options – Fallout 76 is NOT IN ANY WAY clear about how to do things. There is no real instruction, there is maybe a vague idea and that’s about it. The Wiki wasn’t very helpful either and not being able to chat with people in zone is a pain in the ass. I am lucky in that some of my friends play – although we don’t all play together or even at the same time. They were helpful in giving me some pointers. (That’s for another post of course – lol).

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IF THAT AIN’T THE MOST HANDSOME FACE EVER…..

THERE SHE IS FOLKS…..TELL ME THAT AIN’T THE NEW HOTNESS? She is basically the same, I darkened her skin, added another scar, changed the hair and did a bit of tweaking with the nose. Yeah…yeah I know it doesn’t seem all that big of a change but trust me it is…

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I mean come on how can you NOT melt at that?

She even has a name now – VARIN. I made her androgynous on purpose…. have a back story I’m trying to get together, but I don’t know enough of the Lore just yet to do that correctly. *deep SIGHHHH*

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So don’t think I spent ALL that time playing Fallout. I really would have loved to, but I had to force myself to take a break. I spent time with the Boy, did a bit of cleaning, and took a nap. When it’s this hot out there really isn’t much you can do. I did a bit of reading as well. I currently have a LARGE amount of books that I got free on Amazon – I feel its my duty to read them even if some are PURE trash. I finished off 2 books that I was at the halfway mark in. That only took about an hour or so. NOW this is the problem I have that i’m gonna share with you all – I am addicted to FAN FICTION. I know…I know. I am not ashamed nor am I proud of this. I read a LOT of it – especially for the games I play. I spent a good 4 hrs on Friday and 5 hrs on Saturday reading some peoples work. A large proportion of it was of the umm Adult Kind….Now what no one tells you is that reading Fan Fiction is a gateway addiction to…….writing it *GASP*

HI MY NAME IS SUNNYBUNNY AND I DABBLE IN WRITING FAN FICTION ( of the more adult kind).

Fun Fact: I have been a writer of things almost my whole life – it is something I enjoy, not to the point of wanting to be an actual professional but I have stories that often pop up in my mind and I need to get it out.

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So my online Battle Buddy whom I met in Elder Scrolls Online has since dragged me kicking and screaming back to Guild Wars 2. I haven’t played in 4 years and these past 3 weeks have reminded me WHY. My hats off to Arena Net for making a game that is ALL CONSUMING. At least for me – so much Lore and detail and quest lines and fashion and just my goodness. I knew this was going to happen, Knew I was going to get sucked in…just KNEW IT. The crazy thing is my toons were all still there – still at the same levels I left them at all those years ago. Hell I was still a member of 2 guilds that I originally joined. So I did the only thing I could I started finishing up quest lines. Cleaning up my characters main stories – or rather the main story on my main toon. I made some changes to how she looked – I figured 4 years is a lot of time so none of them could exactly stay the same could they?

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Bright eyed level 22 – she has no idea……

 

This is Ennus (I’m going to change that name as soon as I get the 800 gems to do it). She is a Necromancer and I do like playing her. I made this all those years ago when there weren’t to many options on looks.

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Oh someone has grown up

Here she is again at level 80 with siblings lol (That salad boy isn’t there any more – he had to go). Same hair style –  different color.

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I came back for you baby

AND this is how I found her after all these years – same hair color but shorter. Do you see what I mean? WHY DO I HAVE THESE PICTURES FROM 4 YEARS AGO? Am I crazy or what…..don’t answer that lol. So not only am I playing again, BUT I also got the expansion because you know MOUNTS.

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Hey good lookin’

I gave her a bit more of a mature look – or rather changed her hair. It’s longer and a prettier color I think. I still don’t have enough gems for the name change yet – but one of the good things about the game is you can convert in game gold to gems and vice verse. Which is AMAZING, but its a grind. Its not the easiest thing ever but it is a thing.

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So what does this all have to do with anything, because of these games and reading the other day I’m starting to write my Fan Fiction again. Games can inspire us to do amazing and well NOT so amazing things. So in the end I wanted to share, maybe dear reader you can go back to something you put on the side lines and start it over again – KISSESSSSSS.

Am I to Old to Be Cute?

I know you are wondering – what is she talking about now? Of course you can’t be to old to be cute – but hear me out cause I’m being specific about somethings. It took me a long time to write this post, frankly because I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to write it at all. If you’ve been reading the blog I have of course given out fun facts about me and my life. Pretty much how I more or less view myself depending on the mood by brain is in at that time. 

Now I am 42 years old – not a spring chicken in any stretch of the imagination. As for my looks I can go either way – I think I’m rather plain looking, but i have a good personality so there is that. Growing up my Grandmother instilled in me that looks aren’t all that important – while also saying they are. One should be clean and smile and be pleasant in personality. Clothing should fit well, hair brushed and if one were to wear makeup nothing overly dramatic. All good solid advice for sure. My aunts of course were DIVA STARS, the loved dressing up, wearing makeup and didn’t think twice about wearing wigs of various colors and lengths. I spent a good amount of time helping them to get ready for dates and parties and enjoyed it very much. I have an eye for coordinating things in a way that looked good and after dressing them would have impromptu photo shoots. They OF COURSE wanted the same for me to some degree – often trying to get me to do the same as them. I had my moments – my hair has been a variety of different colors and shaving my head was never a problem. Now though when i look at myself in the mirror I have times when I want to express myself more. I am IN LOVE with cute fashion. Quirky fashion. Cultural fashion. I like the combinations and the mix of colors or lack of colors, in a way this is all mixed up with these “personalities” I have. Not like multi-personality disorder, that is a serious thing and should not be taken lightly. 

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I know because of how I was raised I have a lot of disassociation. There us a part of me that will stay within these lines, but another part of me that doesn’t. It’s a bit crazy – I like wearing bows to work and fun colors. I make earrings and things like that but don’t wear them as they were considered “flashy” when I was growing up. I can apply makeup in a pleasant way that looks very natural.

What does this have to do with being cute? I have so many parts of my personality that I want to express, but don’t. I don’t know how to really be this carefree person I want to be. I don’t know how to convince myself that its OK. There isn’t anyone who’s permission I can ask – if that makes sense. It has been making me feel bad for a while now. Manly because I feel as if I’m doing people who are my “friends” a disservice. HOW can they be friends with someone who is so complicated? Which is selfish to say as ALL people are complicated. I think it’s because I don’t really know anyone I can be 100% myself with, not even myself. 

Add onto that I’m not sure how to make friends with people who share the same sort of mixed up interests. I don’t go out anywhere  – mainly because I have this feeling of guilt when it comes to ME instead of focusing on helping my kids. Which in itself is messed up because how can I expect well adjusted children if I can’t be happy with myself – which is deeper level weird as I don’t want to be fake to them. It’s a vicious circle and I’m getting tired of it now.

I know you can’t depend on others for your happiness/contentment. That you should look into yourself to be strong and be the person you want to be. I’m just having a hard time with it and have been for a while. In the end its not doing anything but making me feel sad and I don’t want to be sad anymore. Yesterday after I got home from work, made sure Victor was all together I went to sleep – at 7:30 pm. I woke up at 6 am this morning. Which is fine since he goes to bed at the same time. I didn’t feel any better, I’m drained most of the time now. There are some projects I want to do but haven’t even started yet. But whatever now i feel more sad so ‘m going to just end this here.

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